Twilight: The REAL Story
by Xarkun
Summary: What would actually happen if Edward was a real vampire. Like, one that actually kills people. Oneshot. Rated M for suggestive content and an F bomb or two.


_Twilight: The REAL Story_

I have many problems. Where to be begin, where to begin? I'm almost totally antisocial. I don't relate to any of my peers, not because I am somehow vastly more intelligent than they or, or because we don't share any of the same interests (although that might be true), but because I am simply attempting to personify the persona of the fashionably non-fashionable creeper.

I've got zero friends, I've never had a boyfriend because all the guys I grew up with noticed I was a freak in the early grades and made sure to stay far away from me, even during the stage where every boy was going through puberty at the same time and they were all girl crazy. Yeah, I am that undesirable. A young, hormone crazed boy wouldn't even come near me, and let me tell you, I am passively attractive. Everyone knows that boys going through puberty think even passively attractive girls are screw-worthy material. They would think I was if I wasn't a creeper.

My mom just got a new boyfriend. I wasn't neglected during my childhood, but I already have a lot of arbitrary problems, so I decided I didn't want to add a serious problem to the list to make it more credible. I moved away from my hometown of Phoenix, Arizona, and away from my mother in favor of living with my dad Charlie in the middle of nowhere. Well, actually, somewhere in Washington. It's a place called Forks. The skies there match my personality perfectly. They are dull and gray, and they rain a lot.

My name is Bella Swan.

The first day of starting school in Forks was quite eventful. Every boy there practically begged me to take them to my bed, not because I was more attractive than any of the other girls there, but because I was new.

There was, however, one boy that did not approach me. Because my libido is secretly massive, this made me really, really, really hot.

I saw the boy on my second day. He was very pale and very beautiful. The fact that he was pale should have repulsed me because no one really likes deathly pale people. The fact that he was beautiful should have made me question his gender. But, because I am psychotic, it made me really, really hot. I knew right then that I was irrevocably and undeniably in love with him. Well, actually I just really wanted his dick inside me, but I'm not a whore, okay?

Anyway, I knew I had to find out his name, so I asked one of the normal girls sitting next to me at lunch.

"Oh, that's Edward Cullen," she said. "But don't bother, he wont touch any girl."

That made me think he was gay which made me desire him even more.

When I entered my science class after lunch, I was running late. The only seat open was a seat next to him. I took it.

He looked at me when I sat down and licked his lips. His eyes widened, and I could see a bulge in his jeans. This turned me on. It didn't gross me out or creep me out like it should have because I am—well, actually I'm not a whore.

"Come with me," he breathed.

"Now?" I asked. The scent of his breath made my head spin because it was so putrid, as though he drank blood and ate rotten flesh for every meal. Still, it didn't matter. I wanted him inside me even though he looked like a corpse and had weird hair.

"Yes," said Edward. "Ask to use the bathroom."

I promptly raised my hand. "May I use the bathroom?" I asked the teacher breathlessly.

"Yes, but hurry back," he replied.

I shot out and practically ran out the door, Edward followed me a few minutes later.

He took my hand in his. "Come along," he said, his voice sounded hungry. His skin was cold to the touch, and very hard. This should have clued me into the fact something was wrong. Instead, it turned me on and made me wonder what it would be like to have his cold dick inside me. Normally, such a thought would repulse me but I wanted this guy like I've never wanted anyone before. He was just so gorgeous. I'm not shallow in any way, shape or form, but that was enough to make me love him. I knew that I could build a relationship that would last for four novels even after becoming incredibly tedious and boring in the first (and the only reason readers would continue to read the novels would be because a random werewolf would be thrown in to make a semi-interesting love triangle, especially because the werewolf would have more personality and character development than both myself and Edward put together, although that wasn't saying much).

I was madly in love with Edward Cullen, not because we shared any values or virtues, but because I just really wanted to fuck him.

He led me into the boys bathroom and locked the door.

"Oh, Bella," he said. "You are so beautiful."

I swooned. "So are you."

"You make me so hard."

"You make me so hot."

"I love you."

"I love you, too. But your breath really stinks."

"I know. That's because I'm a real vampire and real vampire's breath does stink since they drink human blood and have no discernible way of digesting it. Also, since I am a real vampire, I can't find my animal instinct. Despite the fact that the thought of you gives me a massive boner for some inexplicable reason—after all, you are not pretty or likeable—I am afraid I must eat you."

I laughed at his joke. "What?"

And then he ate me, but not in a sexual way. My life ended.

Thank GOD.

_**A/N: No idea if you all find this funny or not. I wrote it in like... fifteen minutes as a little exercise to jump start my comedic juices so that I could write an actual comedic chapter that will actually be funny for an actual fanfic called Harry Potter and the Darkest Vindications. So, anyway. Take this for what you will. Flame it, by all means if you're a Twi-hard. It will amuse this author greatly. **_


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